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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 5, 2014 1:30am-2:01am PST

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on tv ] you're eating all the ammo, sir. remember your training. your whole life has been leading to this moment. [ blows ] [ woman shrieks ] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ there's a silver lining in the sky ♪ ♪ cheerio chin chin, napoo,
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: right there! right down there! welcome to the "report," (audience chanting "stephen") oh, yeah, beautiful, thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us, in here, out there, all around the world. all the satellites. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. folks, we've got lots of news to get to. we've got to do it. thank you very much. folks, lots of news to get to but first i have got to send a "the colbert report" shoutout -- (audience member yells) -- to my african american viewer
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or viewers. (laughter) once again in february, folks-- which, of course, is black history month-- but did you know that it's also children's dental health month? (laughter) that means it's an important month for african americans. children with teeth. but especially african american children with teeth. (cheers and applause) the point is, kids, great african american leaders like rosa parks and martin luther king want you to floss. (laughter) okay? that's what they fought for. and thanks to their sacrifice, you can floss on any seat in the bus you choose. because there's only one thing worse than racism and that's racism with gingivitis. (laughter) yet another camera, yet another emotional state. nation, my blood is boiling. and it better stop soon because i like my veins al dente. (laughter) folks, baseless attacks continue to be levied against chris christie, my personal friend
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that i look forward to meeting one day. (laughter) the governor put the bridge gate nonscandal to bet weeks ago. well, guess what? somebody woke it up, folks, and it's cranky as hell. >> explosive new allegations about chris christie. >> bombshell new allegations. >> a former new jersey transportation official who once worked for chris christie is making new claims tonight suggesting the governor lied about when he knew of the g.w. bridge lane closure. >> the lawyer for david wildstein writes: "evidence exists tying mr. christie to having knowledge of the lane closures.". >> stephen: "evidence exists." ooh! (laughter) it exists! and should evidence ever be "presented" shaking in my boots would "occur." (laughter) folks, this is just the governor's word against david wildstein's and, yes, they were high school classmates and, yes, christie created a job at the port authority to appoint
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wildstein to, but it's not like they were close, right, sghorn >> david and i were not friend in high school. we were not even acquaintances in high school. i was the class president and athlete, i don't know what david was doing. (laughter) (audience reacts) yes. yes. christie didn't know what wildstein was doing at that time. i mean, it could have been anyone's head he was holding down in the toilet! (laughter) but, folks, it doesn't matter now because this past weekend the governor destroyed wildstein's reputation by releasing a memo filled with five damning revelations. david wildstein will do and say anything to save david wildstein. ouch. he had a controversial tenure at mayor of livingston. ooh! he was an anonymous blogger. wow! folks, that is a damning list. and it doesn't even mention the troubling rumors that wildstein is a known associate of
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scandal-plagued governor chris christie. (laughter and applause) but, folks, all of that -- (cheers and applause) all of this -- all of this just pales when compared to the darkest revelation that wildstein was publicly accused by his high school social studies teacher of deceptive behavior! (audience reacts) oh, yeah. folks, i shudder to think what that could mean. did he improperly footnote a term paper? did he forge his mom's signature for a field trip to colonial williamsberg? did he cover his cross with a notebook while giving oral reports or, upon hearing the words "oral reports"? and, again, again, folks, these accusations are coming from the highest level: a social studies teacher! now, unfortunately, david wildstein's social studies teacher was unavailable for comment because he is deceased. (audience reacts) was it...murder?
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(laughter and applause) the no, it was natural causes. (laughter) but i was able to contact one person who knows both christie and wildstein. please welcome their first grade teacher mrs. ludemeyer. mrs. ludemeyer, thank you so much for joining me today. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) now mrs. ludemeyer, thank you so much for having the courage to speak with me today. i hear you have some damaging revelations about what david wildstein was like as a first grader. >> yes, stephen. he was an untrustworthy little ruffian. one time he said he needed to tink but once he was in the bathroom he just played with the soap dispenser. >> stephen: okay, did you also
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teach chris christie? >> christopher? (laughs) oh, he was a joy! kids like chrisy are why i teach! definitely presidential material. a born lead we are executive experience. (laughter and applause) mrs. ludemeyer, you're reading off of note cards. did chris christie's people get to you? >> yes. he closed off two lanes of the lunch line. (laughter) i wouldn't endorse him and a week later the class goldfish dropped dead! (audience reacts) i could be next! >> stephen: stay calm, mrs. ludemeyer. >> can i stay here tonight? >> stephen: of course you can! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) hello, america.
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the folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. but, come on. they're wonderful. i'm wonderful. they'll sell themselves. i think we're done. yeah. you were good.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guests tonight are russian activists. please welcome -- >> pussy riot. >> pussy riot.
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>> pussy riot. >> stephen: what they said! (cheers and applause) nice to see you, if nadya, masha. all right, so we got masha, we got nadya and then anya, you'll be translating, right? >> yes. >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the united states. >> ( translated ): thank you. >> stephen: have you been to an olive garden yet? >> ( translated ): haven't had time. >> stephen: don't, you'll think you're in italy, it would be a waste. now, you are members of-- pardon the expression-- pussy riot. okay? you were arrested in russia and thrown in jail. what did you do that got you arrested?
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>> ( translated ): we sang a fun song in a church. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so you broke the law? (laughter) >> ( translated ): yes, and we broke mitt times before that because we had a lot of fun songs, one of them was called "putin piss off." (laughter) >> stephen: okay, now vladimir's a friend so i want you to -- (laughter) i'm going edit out anything bad you say about him. i want you to know that. okay? (laughter) all right? all right? >> ( translated ): it's okay, we're making our own taping right now. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, you will be searched before you leave the
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building. (laughter) >> ( translated ): we've had two years of practice hiding things for searches. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you seem like a nice couple of kids. what i don't understand is why you would be going against someone like vladimir putin who is just trying to preserve the peace and bring russia into a brighter future. (laughter) what do you have against vladimir putin? he's a strong man, that's what russia needs. >> ( translated ): we have different ideas about bright future and we don't want a shirtless man on a horse leading us into future.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: vladimir and i get together shirtless -- (laughter) -- and go hunting all the time. sometimes we don't even get around to the hunting. (laughter) >> ( translated ): you should take some handsome boys with you. (audience reacts) >> stephen: okay, let's talk about that. let's talk about that. here in america everybody's talking about the anti-gay propaganda laws back in russia. how bad has it gotten with the gay propaganda? can you go anywhere in russia without gay people turning you gay? (laughter)
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(laughter) >> stephen: that bad, eh? >> ( translated ): it's very bad. they're about to make being part of the gay community a criminal offense. >> stephen: do you think many gay people will make the right decision and stop being gay? (laughter) >> ( translated ): i don't know, in our experience it just turns them on even more. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: i've heard that. i've heard that. >> ( translated ): and there's also a danger of a new law being passed against gay extremism. >> stephen: what is gay extremism?
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>> ( translated ): in the eyes of our government, it probably just means being public about being gay. >> stephen: so it's not like gay terrorism. (laughter) like no glitter bombing or anything like that? >> ( translated ): we did something like that, actually, once. we kissed a female policewoman. this was even before pussy riot, we managed to kiss about 40 of them. (laughter) >> stephen: and how did that go over? >> ( translated ): it actually was very funny. that would often take us to the side and say "why do you have to do this pub n public?" >> stephen: oh, so they were
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down with it, just on the d.l.? listen, i'd like to hear more about that. we've got to go to a commercial break which-- do they have commercial breaks in russia? >> ( translated ): we only have commercials for putin the great. (laughter) >> stephen: all right, hopefully we'll have one of those right now. we'll be right back with more pussy riot. stick around. the judges' marks...6...6...7. [ crowd gasps ] [ crowd gasps ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] if you're on a diet of taking it up a notch... that was some mighty fine ridin'. [ male announcer ] ...drink diet dew. the only diet with dew in it.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, i'm here with pussy riot and our translator, masha, nadya and anya, the translator. you were released from jail. why? you're criminals. (laughter) you're dangerous criminals who sing in churches. why were you released? >> ( translated ): he got set up with us. >> stephen: but tin? >> ( translated ): it was mostly the prison administrators but also putin who they had to report about for everything. >> stephen: so would you like to say thank you vladimir putin for releasing me from jail? i'll give you all the time you need. >> ( translated ): we'd much rather thank the people who have nothing to do with putin who
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supported us and the people in this audience in particular. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, my folks, too, my folks, too. all right. i don't know what the russian word for "pander" is but -- (laughter) well done. the okay. you said that you were only released as a public relations stunt for the sochi olympic games. do that you believe's true?
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>> ( translated ): well, i don't think --. >> stephen: i got that one. i not go one. i -- know just what you're saying. no, go ahead. >> ( translated ): we don't think it actually improved the image of russia so made putin made a mistake and he should just throw us back in jail. (audience reacts) >> stephen: i wouldn't tempt him. >> ( translated ): we'd much rather work on freeing the people who are still in jail who got arrested in the square on may 6 for standing up for freedom and there are 12 people in jail right now with terms
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ranging from five to six years. and while this is happening, no p.r. stunt can fix russia's image. >> stephen: what are you doing in the united states? >> ( translated ): we've come here to look at american prisons to talk to human rights activists, and to learn from their experience. (applause) >> stephen: all right. well i'm not surprised you're touring american prisons because my understanding is they're just wonderful here. (laughter) >> ( translated ): actually, i think it's great that there are
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a lot of problems. we look longed at some prisons in the netherlands and they were wonderful but there's such a giant gap between their wonderful prisons and our terrible prisons. >> stephen: i think all the prisons in the netherlands actually get to smoke pot. (laughter) so people have a wonderful time while they're in there. >> ( translated ): yeah, we had a great time there, too. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: are you afraid of being thrown back in jail? >> ( translated ): no. i mean, we just offered. if you want to throw us back in jail, go ahead. you should talk to vladimir putin. >> stephen: i'll give him a call. you want me to put a good word in for you? all right, how many members of pussy riot are there? >> ( translated ): it's a big secret. we can't tell you, but you need
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to find people in masks to learn more about pussy riot. >> stephen: can anyone be in pussy riots. >> ( translated ): of course. even you. >> stephen: what? >> ( translated ): even you. >> stephen: i could be in pussy riot? (cheers and applause) would i know? (laughter) >> ( translated ): we could even come up with an honorary pussy riot member tradition procedure for you. (laughter) >> stephen: sure, sure. >> ( translated ): but we'll talk about this only after you call putin. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: i'll you what, i'll talk to him over the camera at the end of the show. how about that? >> ( translated ): okay. >> stephen: it's a deal? why do you call yourselves pussy riot? and you don't even say it in russian. you say it in english, right? the name of the band is pussy
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riot in english, right? >> stephen: we wanted to let english-speaking people enjoy themselves. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: good theory. nice to see you, thank you very much. there is a word for in the russian, right? >> ( translated ): there are lots of words in russian. (laughter) >> stephen: masha thank you so much, nadya thank you so much, the and thank you so much for hello, america. the folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. but, come on. they're wonderful. i'm wonderful. they'll sell themselves. i think we're done. yeah. you were good.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! before we go i just want to announce that tomorrow night pussy riot will be at the barkley center in brooklyn for bringing human rights back home concert with imagine dragons, flaming lips, loren hill, madonna and much, much more. now, only a personal note i just want to say, vladimir, i don't ask much and i don't ask often, you leave those girls alone! (cheers and applause) that's it for the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) good night!

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